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The fears.

Two of my greatest fears. Being the type of woman I look down upon (women who financially support men) and people being kind to me but really plotting to hurt me or talk poorly of me.

And it seems my life is still continuing down that path. I really want to believe, i truly want to trust and believe and i just can't bring myself to. Have i lost all faith?

Posted via LjBeetle
He dropped the bomb on me a couple of days ago. Been together almost 2 years. Sharing my dreams with him. When we first met he told me he wanted to be a doctor. Then it went from him not wanting to be a neurosurgeon to being a medical examiner. Ok, that's a little less money but I can still live our dreams. Children, big, beautiful house in the suburbs, catering to his every need...

...then he tells me he wants to be a chef. Chefs make what I make and I can't even handle it. I can't deal with it. I flip out....and then lie and say you know what...I just want him to be happy. I fell in love.

...but why are all my hopes and dreams now crushed? I gushed to my family and friends about Mr. Wonderful. Being perfect and now he turns out to be like every other man that's ever wanted me. Lied to me to get me to be his and waits til I'm so entwined with him to drop the disappointment on me.

And I feel so shitty for judging him and acting like a gold digger but...it was just so perfect. I will forever be the woman I was with Frank.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year!

Please let this year be the year.

I'm 25.

I want to be married to him. I want a ring. I want peace of mind when it comes to our eternity. I want him to financially support me already. I want to be on our own.

I love him. I want his child. I want to be pregnant. I want to grow up.

Different man. Same wants. Same needs. Repeat the cycle. Am I doomed? Will he come through and ease my fears? Is her going to be the man I've always dreamed of?

If there is something holy...please let me hang on to that last bit of hope. It is all the will I have left.

Will I ever live like a queen?

As much as I enjoy barely scraping by with $9 an hour and part time...I really want more money.

But damn I am lazy as fuck. I don't wanna work hard, I want Monday through Friday work and only til like 6.

I want my fucking car paid off already too. This shit is getting to me.

Things I want within the next 5 years:

A bad ass job
A bad ass car
A bad ass townhouse
To be in school
A bad ass rock on my hand
To be a size 10

Let's see if I actually do it.


Please keep waking up in my bed.

I love how I just fall into his eyes when I tell him I love him. Feeling his heat, his voice in my ear and on my back whenever he lays his cheek upon my skin.

I love knowing no matter how fat I feel or what arguement has taken place...his very presence is filled with love for me even when he is the most upset of us both.

I am content. You're a splendor to all of my senses.



I'm pretty sure I have commitment issues.

I am so...into the relationship the first few months. Excited, bubbly, new...

Then if things get boring or if there are...no idealistic results for me I grow tired. I start to pull away when they ask me who I'm talking to, what am I doing, want me to call all the time. I'm not like that and I can't force myself to be like that. I've been doing it and now it's taken it's toll.

I don't know how a healthy relationship works and the stress of keeping one constantly reassured is getting to me.

I love you.

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Cody James Cubbage...

I love...hearing his name. I love saying it. I have never been so sure of another man in my life.

6'2", amazing, deep and soulful brown eyes. I love falling in to them through those intelligent lenses. Sometimes, I have to remove them so I can just be closer to that sweet face. I want to fall in. Be consumed by him.
Short, soft brown hair...his beard compliments it all. Hearing his deep, husky voice speak my name low in my ear.

I am his goddess. His woman. His one and never have I been so moved to have such an honor. I love to proudly display that I am his and make it well known to anyone and everyone around me. I am his queen. This man is my glove. My soul mate. I have never been so in tune or fit so well with another human being. My thoughts are always filled with something that involves him or us.

I want to be consumed. I want his name on me. I want his children. I want to be his precious doll. His trophy. I want to be in the palm of his hand. He makes me so strong and yet so weak all at once. He makes me shy when my mind is laying naked and exposed to him. His inner beauty matches his outer beauty and I am in love and worship it all. I love hearing him breathe and speak. Watching him consentrate and get lost in his own curiousity. He's so young yet so powerful. Gentle and kind. I have never met such an intering human being. He's charming and everyone I know or anyone who has met him absolutely adores him.

I am so incredibly lucky to be the most privledged one of them all. The one that gets to sleep in his bed and breathe in his scent. His intoxicating skin. His light breathing when he sleeps. He is so peaceful and I want to plant kisses all over his face. Watch over him as he slumbers deeply, falling into that brilliant brain of his. Even the most difficult of life's situations always makes me think of a sliver of hope or happiness when I fall back into thinking over my lover. My partner. My match. Over 6 months and I'm still just as smitten and in love. My sunrises and sunsets are absolutely perfect and complete.


The Real Franklin Newell

Why hey there. I haven't used this in forever. Does anyone even use LiveJournal anymore? I am at work right now (currently working as a property manager for a storage place) and I am bored. I've been speaking to Frank off and on for a few weeks now and I'm sick of pasting on a fake smile so here it is.

Frank and I started "dating", February 19, 2004. This was back when I was a super nerd, did the AOL thing (to those of you who knew me then I do not regret meeting you all. I just grew up and I do not like to talk about this period in my life with anyone who knows me now because needless to say I'm embarrased of looking like a complete jack ass).

I admired Frank. I was 19. He was 25. He was the one I ran to for advice. He had incredible ideas, full of imagination, computer smarts. I loved that he was an older man, going to school, was helpful to his family. He had a weird sense of humor but he seemed nice. I had to tell him how I felt about him, so I made the first move...which is not what I wanted to do.

I am a firm believer in the old fashioned ways. I have always been this way. Man is the bread winner. Woman is the keeper of the home. If she wants to work its not to support the family but have extra money in the budget of the home.

Frank and I had a long distance romance for about a year. He constantly...pushed me about moving in together. About me moving to Florida. He always pushed it. I have so much family where I am, friends...I told him I couldn't. Plus I held down jobs for a great amount of time. I started having second thoughts about him. Why? He was clingy. Had to know where I was all the time. Called me all the time. I loved talking to him, yes. But he had to have tabs on me. He wanted to break up with me because I couldn't give him a yes or no answer on our living situation. I remember being accused of cheating on him because I wouldn't give him an answer.

Finally, after talking to Megan about getting an apartment and realizing we couldn't do it on our own, I said yes to him joining us in an apartment.

The first few months were alright. Until I started getting an understanding of Mr. Newell. I worked 2 jobs. He didn't work. He received SSI for his bipolar. His mother, has him convienced and HERSELF convienced that Frank is so sick he can't work like normal people. The fact that my tax dollars were paying for my bipolar boyfriend who did nothing...started getting to me.

The first 6 months. He cleaned, cooked...played video games. It was alright. Til I was embarassed to tell people he did nothing. He had no way of supporting me if we were to marry. Nights came where I would want to hang out with my friends. I'd chill in Megan's room...and he was lay infront of her door. Waiting for me. Call me every 30 minutes if I was out. On top of it all, Frank was a know it all. I took him out with me so maybe my friends wouldn't think anything of my house husband...and he was argue with them til he was blue in the face about the simplest of matters to prove his point.

I started losing friends. People would not come over. Frank...started fighting with my room mates. At one point he got in Megan's face to slam her into the wall and I got in the middle. Granted Megan left the apartment on bad terms with the both of us...she wasn't the only room mate to have a problem with him. I started having severe pains and started getting sick. My health was bad...and I remember nights crying in agony and pain...and he would not take me to the hospital because "we had no money." I would be on the bed, fetal position, sobbing and clutching my side in pain. Even though he was told on many occasion that that didn't matter.

Only room mate he got along with was Aaron. That's because Aaron tries to be polite and gets along with everyone. He was also, never home.

That's around the time the violence and the temper tantrums started. One night, after being so drained of him constantly being right, knowing in my mind that I would forever be the bread winner, knowing I was with this man cause I needed help with bills and I had drug him away from his mother...I let it slip that I didn't love him and that I was so sorry I did this to him and offered to help him.

His hands were around my throat in an instant. I gasped for air, tried to scream...never have I been so terrified in my life. He takes away my keys. And leaves me in the cold with just my cell phone. I call my mother and she rescues me. My family instantly hates him after this point.

I stay with him. Didn't want to lose my apartment and he said he loved me. I took back everything I said and lived in fear. We had a party for St. Patty's Day 2006. JD visits with Becky and I get so completely wasted I black out. I remember Frank not helping me. Only my friends and my sisters. He tried to force Gatorade down my throat while I was passed out and I spit it in his face. He calls me a bitch and slaps me.

I don't know what happened after that. Only he gets into an arguement with my friends and family and everyone turns on him.

Arguements over small trival things start. Instead of letting me walk away to breathe off steam he constantly yells in my face, grabs my wrists, spits in my face, calls me a bitch, cunt, slut...to defend myself I call him a fat piece of shit, lazy, disgusting..anything I can think of. I push him away from me to defend myself. I slap him in the face once and he restrains me, will not let me go. I have never seen so much hate in someone's face.

He scares me. Sits and speaks with me in a low, cynical, hate filled voice. Some of the crazy things he says to me is he can end it all. I recoil to try and keep him calm. I walk around him as if I am on eggshells not just for my safety. For his, our current room mate at the time and for my secure home.

I start full time jobs. He's been working part time for Tuan, being paid here and there. Frank buts in when I beg him not to in conversations I have with what little friends I have left. Every time he isn't around I apologize on his behalf because he becomes so overbearing in conversations my friends are afraid to argue their opinions. I purposely try not to be home much. Keep my cell phone on silent.

Granted Frank works part time, he is still home a lot. He never cleans. I work all the time. I am never home on purpose. The apartment is disgusting. He buys me things here and there, the affection is there but I am terrified of what mania his bipolar will put him in.

Frank and I...had a disturbing relationship. He would be sweet and kind for a week...and then be a monster. I was not innocent myself. There were times I would be so pissed I'd push his buttons and he'd rage.

Frank thought it was ok to hit women if they provoked you. His mother would visit for Christmas and take over our home. Over step her boundries. She would clean after her 27 year old son. I started seeing why his behavior was the way it was. She babied him and he let her.

We moved into a house. He would eat, sleep and play video games in our room all day. It would be disgusting. Our room mates weren't so great either but they were nice enough. Frank didn't get along with anyone. Kristina and I went out of town and he gets into a physical altercation with one room mate. Frank disrespects who lives with us and goes into their rooms taking what is "his". We get into a fight about it in front of his mother when I beg him to please just not fight with me in front of her.

I would ask Frank constantly not to fight with me in public. He always raised his voice and had people staring at us. I would tell him quietly to stop and he'd keep going. A few times he would do this to me in front of friends. Storm out of the car and walk across the parking lot.

When the break up happened in December after his mom left. I broke up with him for a number of reasons.

*the abuse
*the constant clinginess
*being belittled in front of my friends
*his laziness
*his lack of ambition
*he had no interest in life
*I couldn't force myself to be in love with him.
*I saw no happy marriage in the future.
*I wanted children...just not his children.
*family and friends hated him.

...and he has the nerve to tell me to this day that he never saw it coming. He thought we were happy.

I would also like to point out...yes. We had credit cards but I wasn't the only one to max them out. He went to an unaccredited college and didn't finish because he blames me for not paying for his online text books even when I told him not to do it. He bought a bad car even when I told him not to because I had a bad feeling about it. The car was shit. We dropped so much money in repairs on it.

Yes, I was a bitch. To defend myself and I didn't love him. I tried to "let it grow", I tried to tell myself I'd eventually love him. I couldn't anymore.

I developed crushes on other guys because we got along better than my own boyfriend and I did. I flat out was not in love with Frank and I couldn't lie to myself about it anymore.

Frank called me names, raised his hand to me, spit in my face which is the highest form of disrespect in my book...and to this day he tells me I destroyed his life, I was abusive and calls me names.

During the break up. I never called him one name. I was gentle and kind to hopefully keep him calm. Didn't work. I was still called names, told he hated me, wished horrible things on me, threw a tantrum...

And when I would tell Frank he was throwing a tantrum during the course of our relationship...I was told it was my fault. My friends were stupid. He didn't know what was wrong with people. Humans were retarded and it was their fault why he is the way he is.

So if you are friends with Mr. Newell...when I speak with him even now, when he has a new girlfriend. I am still a stupid bitch. I destroyed his life. I can fuck off and go die.

Then the switch is flipped and he forgives me, wishes he was my boyfriend, misses me...

Frank Newell is a psychopath. I am so tired of being nice, swallowing when he calls me names. I am finally speaking out and putting my foot down. I do not have anything wrong with me like he tells everyone. He fails to mention when he tells the story of our failed relationship anything about the abuse I indured. I tell both sides. I wasn't innocent myself.

Frank was 3 times my size and stronger than me. If he tells you I beat on him, he's wrong. I called him names when I was pissed and I was always pissed because I worked ridiculous hours and came home to a disgusting kitchen and bedroom of his things when he would tell me it was the room mates. He would tell me he was depressed and that's why he didn't clean. Boo fucking hoo.

If anyone should be hating anyone, I should be hating him. But I don't. Frank is fine, he can work. His mother has it drilled in his head he is sick. The only problem he may have is that he can not follow directions and keep his mouth shut. He's always gotta add something in.

Frank, because of all the pain you put me through..I am not paying off your debt. Fuck you. Work like a normal human being. You breed so much hate for humans when we pay for your fat ass to eat and play your games in the comfort of mommy's house.

You are 30 fucking years old on top of that. You whine and bitch about being home do something about it, retard.

The car is mine. I have been paying everything on it. By myself. I will fight you for it. I make all the payments, I pay for everything like I said.

My credit is destroyed too but I'm not crying about it. There's more to life than credit. Your school loans are your fault.

I feel sorry for any woman who sticks it out like I did. You can't even see your flaws and refuse to see them. Fuck you. I've been wanting to say all this to you for quite some time. FUCK YOU.

As for now...
I met Cody on plentyoffish.com. My sister and Bekkah pushed me into the online dating websites and needless to say it went well. I dated casually for a while...and then Cody sent me a message. Cody, is my light. We named our relationship offical on April 12th of this year. He is my perfect man. Handsome, incredibly sexy voice, he is kind and goes to school full time. He has so much ambition to succeed. He is very determined. He treats me like a real lady. Takes me out, takes care of me. This is the man I want. This is the man I want to be with forever. I knew it instantly. He loves me too. My family and friends like him, he gets along with everyone. He is extremely compassionate and I want to be his wife someday. Cody is it for me. I love him. Yes he is younger than me but I have never been so in love like this. He's my one.

The day, the music died.

New year, new president and new me. :)

I'm losing weight, I've already gone down a size!

Frank and I are over. He goes back to Florida next week, I go back home before the 31st. Kristina and I are getting an apt here in a month or 2 after I get caught up and heal from the break up somewhat.

Frank, I just want you to know that I love you and I'll always care about you. Hang in there, hun.